Inner and Outer Dis-Ease

Posted on May 30, 2009

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Seven pm, Sunday night.

Preparing to return to work.

We only have about 11 more school days left, so there’s not much extra time to catch up and such, especially for my class of seniors who need some continuous nudging along the path.

Still feeling a bit under the weather as they say.

Breathing in, I get up slowly…

Breathing out, I working staying close to my breath…

– – – – – – – – – –

Recovering slowly, doing a little better today. Hopefully good enough to make tomorrow a work day. If not, then off to the doctors we go.

I feel like so much has passed through me these last two days of being sick. In the body and the mind. Moments and periods when I tell myself to just stay in the moment and breathe and feel and allow and then moments when the mind races in its own direction and wants to figure it out. Figure out what? You sick! But it does, and watching it, observing it, saw a great deal, processed a great deal. At least that’s how it settles in my memory. (Will try to write more about that later…)

Feeling better, regaining my health, slowly, is a gift. Times like this really show much energy is necessary to do something as simply get up! With a big fever headache, it was not easy. Pain, pain, pain. The head was full of heat, on fiyah at some moments, sweating profusely at various points in the day, changing my clothes, drinking water, placing a moist towel over my head, wiping myself down. I haven’t felt this “sick” in a while, at least not like this.

A friend says, maybe it’s a cleansing before my South+East Asia trip. Yes, I reply, perhaps. I can see how that might be the case. Easier for me to want to get better than to think about the why’s of my sickness and current dis-ease, and then there’s also the wanting-to-get-better-push-it-away-now feeling rather than allowing, and seeing this time, experience, “message” for what it is.

In the meantime, glad to be back in some shape and form. My lil’ house retreat the last few days. Periods of cleaning the house and then having it go back to disarray. All good, all good. I am breathing still, and I know I am breathing. Begin and end there.

– – – – – – – – –

Been feelin’ sick the last two days. Moments and moments of body on fire and then shivers at night. And this headcold headache or something. I get a bit hypochondriac-like in moments like this.

Anyways, in the midst of me stopping and settling to feel my body doing its thing…in the midst of allowing the moment to be felt and communicated and understood versus tryna change it, “heal it quickly”, drop hella pills on it to make it go away, I realized how MESSSSSSY the house has gotten. I have my routines for cleaning up but this time, I’ve really let it go. I mean usually the inside of the house is okay (nothing I can say about the front+backyard though, sorry…)

But today, I woke up and have begun to clean up the space, finally! Don’t know about feng shui, but surely, the feng shui is funky in this house right now.

And this with the realization too that I will be leaving in a few weeks!

WUT!

Slowly, looking around and putting things that have been removed from their place, displaced and disorganized from their place, back, back, back. Maybe my mind knows this and is struggling with all this “stuff all over the place” and is telling me, LOOK, clean up, clean up, clear it up outside and the inside will follow.

Or maybe a trip to the doctor is really what’s needed. Cringing at the moment.

Release. Clear. Purge. Prepare. I can’t enter the Gateway with all this “baggage!” 🙂

I’m glad I write with a bit of lightness about this today.

A couple of nights ago, it was an entirely different thing.

Let’s see how the days goes.

Santi,
Jnaseh

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